Anyone who even looked like they’d disagree that Depeche Mode is the best band to listen to while wearing eyeliner tasted my wrath. Most of my time totally warring consisted of using Von Carstein’s life drain and dead-raising spells as I commanded my thousand Gothic wet dreams to focus fire on any stragglers. Instead of turning tail, skeletons and zombies fight until they’re put back in the ground, and that’s a shorter trip than I would’ve thought. While other factions can lose morale in a fight, Von Carstein’s necromancy allows him to raise the dead, and the dead fear naught. On the wide-open fields of battle, I learned what makes the Vampire Counts different from other units (though, again, the reps could’ve lied to me at any time about this and I would have nodded agreeably). I soon initiated a fight with this wannabe, first making sure to have an army of skeletons, zombies, and bats, like any respectable Castlevania player. Eventually I asked for help and realized that I was big dummy who was out of my element, and I was well on my way to giving my new enemy a wedgie.

I wanted to wreck that loser, and was hindered by my lack of UI knowledge. Fair warning, if you wanted an in-depth look at the systems and minutiae of what 98% of America agrees should be called Total Warhammer, it ain’t here.Īfter I filled myself with the determination required to even attempt to break into the whirring, spinning, interlocked gears of a strategy game like this, I spent another ten minutes trying to understand how to move my faction leader Mannfred Von Carstein over to a rival vampire lord who was talkin’ shit. So when I was two bloody marys and one blood orange mimosa in (because the Vampire Counts faction was the focus of the event, you see) at a Total War appointment and a representative led me to a PC and basically said “Have at it, kid!” I stared blankly at the monitor for a good five minutes. I’d say that I’ve never touched Warhammer in my life, except that I just remembered that I played through Space Marine, but that’s in the 40K universe, which this Total War…is not. I have no background with Total War aside from a vague awareness that it exists, and some folks are keen on it. Last year, Jordan conjured up a post titled “Okay, Total War: Warhammer looks awesome,” and that about sums up my knowledge of the game.

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